Baby Grace

Baby Grace is what we called her from the moment we knew we were having a little girl. I remember the powerful emotions I felt while looking at the ultrasound that proved to the world that this baby that has been moving and making me sicker than I had ever known before was a baby girl. My sweet baby Grace was born on March 10, 2004 at 5 lbs 13oz and 19 1/2 inches long. It was not an ordinary pregnancy and neither was her birth. Along with some of my dearest and best friends to this day, we held hands and welcomed this sweet baby in to the world while her dad was away on deployment. With my due date 3 weeks later our sweet girl had other plans and came early.

Then my journey with her began. I remember looking at her little face and small body and thinking, wow, how are we going to do this? We are alone, tired, and new at this parent thing, but together we learned how to make routines and that sometimes things have to just roll ( something we continue to do to this day). Above all, I knew this would not be our last deployment together and that we must learn to overcome above all else.

One of the most emotional moments of my life is the day this baby girl got to meet her daddy. I have never seen so much emotion in my husbands face until that day. She has had him wrapped every since.








A lot has changed since the day our little girl was born. She changed our life in a whole new way. At first, it was the long sleepless nights and days filled with every baby thing known to man. Then she was crawling, got her first tooth, said her first word, and walking. Before I could even blink she became a toddler that was independent, strong, and determined. Qualities that I never knew the purposes of until now. With each new year that passes our Grace teaches us why God gives children to the perfect parents for them. Instead of us teaching her, it is us that has become the student. We learn from her, admire her and all that she has accomplished in such a short period of time in life. She has made us proud and continues to amaze us everyday. She has a laugh that is contagious and the perfect second grader smile. Although she can be pretty serious and shy around people she does not know, she has a huge heart for others. Always wanting to know how we can save each person that carries a cardboard sign. Her clear sense of justice is undistorted by others views. She still believes in a wrong and a right. She would be characterized by others as a loyal friend and a artist. She has a passion for horses, color and for reading. Three things I do not know much about. She has a natural gift that I know if she continues to work at, will develop in to something extraordinary. A natural born leader that will leave amazing footprints on this earth.

Although her name was just a family name chosen for her, it now has more meaning as our little Girl grows and matures as a person. Her name defines who she is and what she is becoming each day and passing year. She has taught us as parents the true meaning of her name Grace and the love that only parents could know for a child. It is on these special days that I thank God for choosing us for this special little girl.

Happy Birthday Baby Grace, Mama can't believe you are 8!!!!

Saying Goodbye

Sometimes you have to say "goodbye" only to be able to say "hello" again. As you can see this goodbye was one filled with a lot of emotion. For us, you would think it would be a norm, but doing it never gets easier. Seeing my children embrace their father for the last time for some time, always leaves my heart heavy. It is a moment that we have been preparing for over the past several months. The working up to leaving is the Marine Corps way of hardening you for the actual departure. This I am fully convinced of. However, no matter when the day arrives there is a sense of solitude and pride wrapped all up together. As the jets turn over and the sound of their engines fill the air, you begin to realize it is going to happen. It is a strange feeling seeing your love and frankly the only one in the world I would endure this with, take off. It is exciting to see him in full gear and ready to do what he loves best and that is fly at real fast speeds, serving his country and ready to embrace whatever tasks that are brought forth to him. Then sadness begins to sink in as you see your little ones wave goodbye while asking "how many more days again?" That is the question I will hear for over the course of this journey. Although this makes journey number 7 if you ask me, 6 if you ask him. Funny how he always claims his 1 year FAQ tour as one deployment, where I see it as a two for one special since I was the one left behind. Technicalities. Either way it is many many months away from one another. I have been asked why do I bring the girls to see him depart. For me it is an obvious reason, but every family handles a goodbye differently. So one winter day in 2009, my then 4 year old made it clear " I just need to see those jets leave" for her I realized it was closure to many months of planning. It differentiated a work day from another. Making it clear daddy's work would carry him away and it is not the same as being able to come home each evening. So from that moment on we have all gone. We have kissed his sweet face one last time, say a family prayer of strength and protection, and waved proudly as our Hero takes off one more time and we leave in full hugs while breaking out our tissues for the long car ride home. The countdown begins.

It was interesting to me after talking to my husband that he took a look at the pictures that our amazing photographer Megan Sokolowski published. I was surprised when he said his favorite is of me waving goodbye to him as he was on the runway about to take off. A moment I realized must of been a reassuring "snapshot memory" as we call them. One to give him the courage to do his job, knowing his family is home taking care of things and will be waiting for his return. Flattered by his compliment, I told him I was glad he liked it because when he came home, I would be right there waving "hello" again.

Here are our pictures that were taken of that day. For the next several days, these will be the pictures we hold on to until we have our favorite guy home! Our family motto for this deployment is " God is In Control". For we know through him all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

Packing

"We are packing the plane", is what I was told tonight on the other end of the line when I asked my husband what time he thought he might be home for the night. Caught off guard by his answer, I asked it again and he said " Honey we are packing the plane to prepare it for leaving for deployment." "Oh ok" was my response because strangely enough it took me by surprise. Not that them getting Marines ready for a deployment is surprising and that he was leaving it was just the words and the tone that took my attention. It wasn't a rude tone or one to dismiss me. It was a serious voice, one of someone taking a leadership role. It was his Marine voice. One that I only hear on a few occasions. It was one letting me know he is preparing his Marines for leaving and that he too is prepared to go. Being that this is going on our 7th deployment, I have noticed the signs they discuss to us in our pre-deployment briefs occurring over the last few weeks, heck the last couple of months. There is never a good time for goodbyes and there is never a good time for change and when combined with the holiday stresses, it can be very overwhelming. However, given these past few days we have been able to spend time together. We have enjoyed ice skating, dinners out, bowling, and other enjoyable things just trying to soak in all of the little moments we can so that when we are lonely for one another we can pull from that memory bank to help get us through our next few moments. We call them around here "mental snapshots" you know those pictures in your mind that no matter how long they are there they are just as clear as the day they first happened. Military families cling to these and we are no exception. So this past week during these times, I have noticed the great care my man has taken in preparing his family for this transition. I can see it in his body language and the things he is doing around the house, with the kids, with me, heck even with our dog Maverick. Not that he is not normally so intricate in our lives, because he is, it is just this time, he is paying more attention to the small details. Ones that most people put off everyday, but he makes a point to do them. He has got our new electronics in working order and has shown me how to use them, he has made a playlist of favorite music for the girls, he has left me with a list of bill names, passwords, etc. so that the things he normally takes care of can now be turned over to me. We have important paper work filled out saying things about what I should do and others should do incase something does not go as planned. He has soaked in longer hugs and sloppy kisses. He has the cars tuned up and ready to go and of course his favorite motorcycle all greased up and shiny looking. So of course, his reply tonight would be it is time to pack the plane.

Something about those green seabags can send any wife a chill down their spine. I have a friend Amy that once described it in her blog as a love hate relationship we have all come to have with it. It is a love relationship because we know as long as they are in our closets, they are home, but when they are out it is almost time for another departure so we generally begin to dislike them. It is a bag only big enough to fit clothes that are necessary and very few personal items and as I hung up the laundry today in our closet I took notice of my man's side of the closet. I could almost pack his seabag for him by now and just by looking on his side I could pretty much tell anyone what would go and what would stay. I could feel my heart sink a little at the thought of the extra hangers that soon would be there in there places. So packing his bag would be the last intricate part of our pre-deployment cycle and then he would be gone.

So although he will most likely be home very late this evening and working on new year's, I will cherish these last moments we have together and gather as many mental snapshots as I can because although the bags are being packed and some sent off, my man is still here, until the call comes for departure.

My Storm

I don't know about you, but we are hustling and bustling around here getting prepared for our holiday season. We have had so many parties and celebrations this month to last us for an entire year, yet we keep pressing on. Yesterday was no different. It was a day of planning a party for our friends and children to enjoy. It was a time that was celebrated by all. The only catch, was a conflict that was followed by a misunderstanding. Leading to feelings being hurt, tears being shed, and anger. For me something that was suppose to be a good time turned into something that made me ashamed of how I handled a situation. I said words I usually never say, I did things I normally do not do and in the end when the conflict and misunderstanding was resolved, I was still feeling very disheartened. And to make things even more unsettling, I had my sweet little one sitting next to me talking to me about her daddy's upcoming deployment and how sad she was that he was leaving. I mean really when I say my heart hurt yesterday it did. I felt like my rage about a conflict between friends, his upcoming deployment and my own personal stresses with the holiday season was coming on like a strong storm and I was on for the ride. I literally felt tossed around as if I was being moved by the currant in the sea. If there was ever time I felt like Satan was breathing down my neck it was yesterday. Instead of crying out for help, I lashed out, instead of praying, I yelled and finally when the storm passed, I was left feeling emotionally and spiritually drained. As I laid in my bed last night, I prayed that God would forgive me and to help me handle these next few months more gracefully than I did that day! For I know there will be more days when storms will arise and I must take refuge, but only with him. I also took a moment to be humbled by my own words that I recently had spoken to my sweet little one. I warned her to be careful of what she says because the Lord warns us so many times about the firey tongue that we all have and that words can be a powerful weapon that can leave so many wounds behind. WOW! Thank you Lord for reminding me to follow through on my own teachings!

So just as all storms, they pass and usually leave the new day filled with abundance of sunshine and this morning was no exception. It always reminds me of the bible story Noah's Ark and how after so many days of floods the Lord began the earth in the new. Clearing away all the bad and leaving just the good. And through those days of rain and stormy nights the Lord was still there and kept his promise to Noah that one day the earth would return to dry land and that there would never be another storm like that again. But through those storms there still was growth as the dove brought back the tree branch to him as proof. It is a refreshing reminder that through all storms in life we face, God helps us grow new branches of faith and strength and if we had not experienced the storm, there would not be any new fruit or branches to bare.

Just Waiting

Well this week can be summed up in one word "healing". Monday my sweet little Caroline had surgery to remove her tonsils and adenoids. I knew this would be a week full of popsicles, icecream, pudding and jello, but the one thing I did not think it would be would be days of waiting. For everyday that has passed, my little girl grows stronger and braver. She braves the yucky medicine as she calls it and the eating of more foods. Honestly, she has been stronger than I would be if I were in her shoes. I have to admit, I have a low tolerance for pain, but lucky for me my children take after their father. For most of the time during the day in between popsicles my sweet girl just sleeps snuggled up in our family's favorite blanket. Right before she falls asleep, she always asks for me to sit right beside her. It is here that I find myself waiting. I wait for her to wake up, give more pops, give more meds and again she will drift off to sleep while I continue to sit here and wait. If you know me, this is very difficult for my ADHD personality because I naturally want to be up busily moving around getting housework and other things completed. As I sit here writing this, I stare at a huge mountain of laundry on the table and hair that needs to be swept off the floor, and dishes that need to be unloaded, but instead I sit here and wait as my little girl requested.

While content on my cozy end of the couch, I began to think about my heavenly father and how much waiting does he do for me. I am sure there are days when he would rather be doing other things, instead, he waits for me to come to him. He waits for me to pray, ask him for the help that I need and for me to give him thanks. It also reminded me of how patient he is for us. How easily frustrated I become by sitting still and waiting for my next move. Instead, he waits and when I am ready for him, he takes me right in to his arms. He never tires, gets discouraged, or angry. He just waits. So for the next few days as I wait on my princess, I will use this time in study and prayer because I know he is already there just waiting!

Matthew 11:28-30 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Just One More Day

As I write this post, my hands are currently covered in crayola markers from my turkey drawing expedition with my five year old. I have to admit, drawing is not my most valued gift, but to my little one I am a Van Gogh! We took our handprint as you may have seen and made Turkey's out of them. As I began to trace her little hand I started thinking about how special this moment was for me. Since she has started Kindergarten this year, things have been really busy. We have had family come and visit, trips taken, school activities and other extra curricular activities to do to fill the time. Today was not much different, but Caroline had a dental appointment that required sedation so that meant a day home was in store for us. So after a quiet morning and some cold goodies ordered by the dentist, we decided to make some turkey cards for teachers and Aunts. After the activity was over, I just looked at the tiny hand print left behind and I couldn't help but to think of how fast time is going for my sweet girls. People always say that time will only start going by faster once the kids reach school age, but I never believed it. I mean really, how could they know. Didn't they know I was Just like all other mama's with little ones. My days felt long and seemed to be seamless. There was no way that any day would seem fast to me. I encouraged and pushed my children to hurry up and sleep through the night, take your own bottle or be weened from me, crawl, walk, start preschool, potty train,graduate preschool, tie your own shoes, read to yourself, and our most recent moving out of a carseat. Now I know these things are necessary for them to grow up and become functioning adults, but I also had some selfish motives to get these things accomplished. With being alone most of the time while the girls were little due to a Marine on deployments, I would have mountains of housework to get accomplished, a car that always needed to be cleaned out, a dog that needed a bath and somewhere in the day I just tried to find a little "me" time; always longing for just one day!

Now three years later, we have learned and dealt with being infertile and accepting the fact that these two sweet girls will probably be our last babies, we have accomplished all of the above goals, and now I have plenty moments by myself. Instead of welcoming this new change to my life, I meet it with great resistance. I have been told "embrace your new found freedom and try new things for yourself", but really I only find myself counting down the minutes until I can go pick up my sweet one's from school. Crazy sounding I know, but really the house is too quiet, my day is still filled with the same housework that I always felt overwhelmed with when my babies were home. Only difference now, is the laundry and housework is done and the house has moments when perfection remains, but I find myself missing the little hands that help me fold the wash cloths, someone in the back seat of the van asking me to sing to them, quiet naps where I was invited to stay, trips to the park, bible stories accompanied by our favorite snack, and art are now just fainting moments that I shared with my children. Don't get me wrong, we still engage in so many fun things over the weekend, but these little days during the week are very far and in between times.

So forgive me if my art was not perfect today and I am a marker mess, but now instead of longing for my selfish days, I look forward to days like today that leave me begging for just one more day like this one; a day filled with extra hugs, snuggles, and someone needing my help. A day when instead of my prayer being, "Dear Lord let this day pass by quickly", is now filled with prayers of thanksgiving and pleading "Lord I just need more time"!


Here is a poem I read from a woman named Audri Broggi off her blog "Mothering From The Heart" and she is such an inspirational christian mother that I thought it was something all mom's should have some where in their home to read on a daily basis. My copy is on my note board in my office, so I can see it all the time.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2010

Too Busy
I wrote the following poem many years ago as a note to self:

Today I was busy, too busy to hear
Your laughter, your games, but your voice was so clear.

I worked and I worked, no time to relax
To tell you a story, carry you on my back.

I washed all the clothes, I scrubbed all the floors
I cleaned out your closet and your dresser drawers.

You cleaned up alone, you got yourself dressed
While I kept working and thinking about self.

When you asked me to color, I said, “Not today,
I’m busy, I’m busy, too busy to play.”

I took care of me, I did all my things
I hardly noticed when you started to sing.

I heard you pretend and I heard you play
All the while I kept saying, “I’m busy today.”

When night came along, I said, “Go to bed.”
You paused and I questioned, “Did you hear what I said?”

You got in that bed, you pulled up the covers
You wanted some time, You wanted your mother.

Yet I was too busy to take time with you
I just wanted to finish and get the day through

Consuming my thoughts was to get you in bed
I walked in your room and here’s what you said,

“Mommy, do you think you could stay just a bit?
Tell me a story? Read me a book?”

You asked with such longing, how could I say no?
How could I ignore you, how could I just go?

I felt so ashamed as I looked in your eye
And suddenly I realized the day had flown by.

I stayed for awhile, I read all your books
I held you so tightly, I was glad for your look.

As you said your prayers, my heart felt such tears
For I realized the days were turning into years.

The man you’ll become is shaped at my knee
I mustn’t forget the man that you’ll be.

So tonight little guy, I’m stopping to touch
To pull you real close and love you so much

So tonight I will hold you as long as there’s time
For tomorrow will come when you’re no longer mine.

Yet I have today, I still have some years
I’ll spend them with you as long as you’re here.

When you grow up, you won’t need me the same
But I’ll never be too busy when you call my name.

I love you

What's That I Hear?

As a true southern girl, I love the ocean and everything about it and when two years ago my husband called me from deployment and told me we were moving to Kansas, I told him he was crazy and that didn't the Army know he was a Marine?!?! Well it was no joke and a couple of months later we were packing up and driving to the midwest. Although, I was not sure of what to expect, I knew that my husband, Marine, and family would be together for our very first non deploying tour and after doing 5 deployments, we met the new adventure with a lot of anticipation. To much of my surprise, the part of Kansas we were living in was very hilly and had lots of character similar to my old faithful town of Beaufort, SC. The only thing missing was the ocean and seafood. I have to admit, it took me a little getting used to, but living there became a new family favorite. We made friends that would last a lifetime and made memories that will forever bring a smile to my face.

It was there in Kansas that I began to understand and appreciate the beauty of Fall. I have always loved the Fall season, but now when I see the trees change colors, I think of a beautiful Army Post and the trees that circulate the ponds there. When I hear my children skipping down a lane, I can hear the pebbles they skipped on those same ponds. For every crisp apple comes the taste of homemade apple butter. Large corn fields full of corn, pumpkin fields with the biggest pumpkins I have ever seen and big green tractors and cowboys that would melt any city girls hearts!


For our family, this small town gave us a gift of family. It was a place where time well needed was spent. If a hand needed to be held it was held. There was time to celebrate and a time for sorrow. It was a place where dates were often, and two parents were at every school/sporting event! The church pew was filled by a complete family. Prayers were lead by the leader of our family every night at the dinner table and at other times. It was a place where we began to understand how much we missed one another and how to realign our priorities. Living there has always been a college joke of "the best year of your life" and with all joking aside, we can now say that was so true! It is a place where a Marine can put down his weapons and pick up his baby girls. It is a place where in November for veterans day patriotism is served better than anywhere else I have ever lived at a little local school called Macarthur Elementary. It is a place where daily chaos is slowed down by the passing of a train. The nights are filled with cool evenings, lightening bugs, and sound of trains passing in the night.

The other day, a friend asked me if I was okay because I seemed a bit quiet. Which if you know me, it is a rare occasion. I later told her that I was dreaming of other places to be and I knew from the outside view that would seem so strange. But, for me it is a place where in these next few months my mind will hold tight to. When we feel alone and need those hugs, we will remember the days we had our Marine there and the kisses he was able to give every night. It was a place where bitterness was lost and since of unity was restored.Every now and then in this big city of San Diego, you can hear an occasional train sound. And recently, this happened while driving home from gymnastics and my girls say, "mama what is that I hear?" and I say it sounds like a train and for a moment a silence filled the car and finally a sigh comes followed by I miss that place and I tell her baby girl we all miss the midwest and that one and only other sound that can soothe our souls better than a ocean wave and that is a howling train!!!!